Oh, no, surely not moi

June 14, 2006

Will Wilkinson again, on the condition of happiness and how you, or I, might not want to let go of the misery and drift over to greater happiness, if

you are accustomed to deploying negative emotions to control other people, ala Griffiths’ Machiavellian emotions theory. Emotions aren’t just appraisals (immediate internal reports on how well you’re doing relative to your goals, values, etc.), they’re strategic tools for manipulating other people—for exacting commitment, compliance, concessions, regret, solidarity, affection, etc., etc. If your emotional social management strategy relies heavily on anger, sulking, disdain, guilt-tripping, etc., then a therapeutic practice that shortens the intensity or duration of negative emotions may leave you feeling out of control and socially vulnerable. So some of the people who have most to gain hedonically from mindfulness training may have the most to lose in terms of their strategy for social control.

Happiness, or control? Love, or power? The dilemma overlooks the vast alchemy in which they all come together, undertaken with the proper priority.

Let's see, now, the diabolical algorithm is:

1. I want to be happy.
2. Unhappiness gives me power over others, which I think will force them to do or be what I think will make me happy.
3. I have to be unhappy indefinitely to keep pursuing this strategy to make myself happy.

How's it working?

A hint, without abandoning the validity of maintaining standards of excellence. One of the kindest things to do for the world is to entertain the practical possibility of happiness, that is, to be please-able. It is a most valuable means to a happy marriage. In assembling the Value-Added Life, one adds value to another's action by a truthful positive response, and the effort is leveraged and encouraged, a net gain. If I am impossible to please, the value that others' efforts produce is isolated and unmultiplied to that extent; and any sane person will eventually stop trying to please me.

On principle, difficult to please? Oh, please...

Comments

[Richard Lawrence Cohen]

That algorithm is worthy of R. D. Laing's KNOTS, which I mean as a high compliment. Thanks for a great post.

[dilys]

As always, thanks, Richard. [Or knot... :-)]

[Molly Gordon]

As The Beatles, still my favorite band, sang,

"Please, please me;
Love me do..."

I spent 40 years striving to be good and happy arguing with myself and reality, and 12 exploring the possibility that joy and delight are valid companions on the spiritual path. Happily, I am good-er when happy.

Your easily entertained fan,

Molly

[Katje]

Interestingly, I'm ending an friendship (acquaintanceship?) of over a year because the woman has this problem. It took me a long time to realize that she just doesn't want to be happy. I've stopped calling or going by, and while I'll still occasionally answer the phone, it's with a distant, non-commital (yet decent) response. I think she finally sees that no one likes to deal with this behaviour. We have some acquaintances in common (through me), and they tell me they are doing the same thing. Whenever she tries to manipulate someone by sulking, pouting or attempting to garner sympathy with some tale of woe (which she likely brought on herself), I pleasantly and pointedly ignore her and change the subject to something positive and disgustingly cheerful about someone or something, or some good bit of news or the like, and I'll keep it up 'til she takes her act on the road, or shapes up and decides to join in life with the rest of us. It's been interesting to say the least. I would suggest then, that at least part of this problem also rests with those of us who let them get away with it - if only I'd learned this YEARS ago, I could've saved myself so much time and trouble...